I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
