Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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