apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
