i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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