farters have to be the big spoon...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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