Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
