Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
