We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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