It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
