last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
