my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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