dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
