I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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