Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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