Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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