So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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