I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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