Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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