I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
