what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
