I hate all girls vehemently.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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