come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
