The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
