just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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