for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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