How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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