I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
