don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
