Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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