yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
