Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
