My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
