My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
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