I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
