The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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