So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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