just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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