He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
