Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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