K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
