Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
