pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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