she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
