the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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