Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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