Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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