Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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