Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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