If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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