Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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