We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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