does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
