im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit