I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament