They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
