You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
