mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
