Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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