He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
