i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
